"Don't die until you're dead" - the theme of the movie Quartet as encapsulated for its director, Dustin Hoffman, by Billy Connelly, one of the quartet that take stage center in this lovely movie that I am recommending to anyone over 50, and anyone under 50 who is caring for aging loved ones.
Quartet tells the story of four elderly British opera singers, who reunite in a home for retired, needy British musicians. The reunion is strained, for three of the quartet have been there awhile, have created new patterns, new friendships, have settled in. Then, quite unexpectedly, the fourth, the diva, the soprano played as only Maggie Smith could, arrives bringing her phonograph, the albums of her glory days, and a hefty dose of discordance and unfinished business.
The members of the quartet are veteran British actors and actresses who play off one another with a grace and sensitivity that helps you believe they could have performed together decades ago. As you are asked to believe they did - the performance, the quartet from Rigoletto. A performance they are asked to repeat for a concert to be given on the anniversary of Verdi's birthday, designed not only to raise money for the home, but to acknowledge the contribution and heritage of the home's residents.
The challenges that each member faces in order to perform are representative of the challenges many of us have faced already or will most likely face in the future - health issues, unfinished business with relationships, loss of skills and a sense of identity, loneliness. All are treated with compassion and dignity. Never harsh, never maudlin, but also never pollyannish. Humorous, but not at anyone's expense.
The cast is supported by musicians whose scenes of practice and performance are as touching as those of the quartet. Hoffman reported in an AARP interview that some of the musicians had not been asked to perform for over 30 years and were so grateful to be included that they showed up at 6 in the morning and would rehearse for 14 hours. The music itself is worth the admission, and in case you are not a huge fan of classical music, not to worry. My husband isn't either, and he enjoyed the film as much as I did. Just watching the musicians, their concentration, their dedication and the sheer joy of making music together and having their skills enjoyed and applauded was such a pleasure.
So - though I understand Billy Connelly's synopsis and smiled when I read it, I also think this movie deals with themes of friendship and forgiveness, courage and possibility. With characters who are aging, but not old. I recommend it because I think you would enjoy it and also because I want to support these lovely, quiet films that celebrate rather than denigrate. That tell simple stories well, that don't rely on special effects and gimmicks. That leave you feeling better, more hopeful than when you entered the theater. That could even leave you clapping in appreciation, as Quartet inspired our matinee audience.
I realized the other day that I am happier than I have ever been - and the realization surprised me. Partially, because I've never really aspired to be happy. Content, yes; satisfied, yes. But the word happy has never been familiar. So, it surprised me to be using it to describe how I feel.
Being inclined to analyze my feelings, to reflect on my thinking, I have been journaling on this rather interesting state of affairs - did happiness creep up on me when I wasn't looking? Have I been working toward it subconsciously? How do I nurture this?
Then the Feb/Mar issue of the AARP Magazine arrived with the article, "Give Yourself a Happiness Makeover." Aha!!! The article answered my questions - so well that I want to pass on the ten things author Dan Buettner recommends for improving one's happiness. I think they are worth considering.
- Nestle in the Right Neighborhood - "where you choose to live is one of the most important determinants of your happiness." Our decision to move to a smaller, more civilized, slower paced community is definitely one the biggest contributors to my personal happiness. I don't think the size of the city is important - I do strongly believe that the safety, familiarity, and sense of neighborhood is.
- Stop Shopping; Start Saving - "research shows that financial security brings much more happiness over time than buying things does." I know we are spending less, but of more significance is that what we are spending on is experiences rather than things - a cruise, musical performances - and oh yes, books. The library is on my to do list.
- Make the Most of Your Morning - for a good breakfast and 30 minutes of exercise. We are doing well with breakfast - but exercise? Still a challenge for both of us. I must admit, however, that I feel much better when I have walked in the morning and this reminder is inspiring me to get moving again.
- Trim Your TV Time - "The happiest people watch less than one hour of television a day, according to a study of 40,000 people who took National Geographic's True Happiness Test." One hour!!?! I've acknowledged for some time now that I am more productive with less tv time, but happy? I'm taping all shows to eliminate commercial time, eliminating reruns unless exceptional. But one hour? That's not trimming, it's probably major surgery for many people - me, included. I'm going to play around with this awhile.
- Get a Daily Dose of Friends - the research of Jim Harter, PhD "shows that America's happiest people purposefully plan for social times and get at least six hours a day of interaction with friends and family." Maybe this explains the power of social networking. Perhaps because of my generation, I require less hours but more interaction. E-mails aren't enough. One good telephone conversation can make my day, especially if it's with a sibling or an old friend. A 'date' for lunch and a movie with John fulfills my needs for the day. And since we've retired, we try to do this every week.
- Find Your Soul Mate - well, must admit I don't buy into the concept of soul mates, but I have seen the statement that "people in long term committed relationships suffer less stress and live longer with fewer diseases" enough times to accept it. I would add, however, that the relationships should be mutually satisfying! Enduring isn't enough for happiness.
- Meet, Pray, Love - "research shows that people who belong to a faith-based community - regardless of religion - and attend services more than once a week live as much as seven years longer than people who don't." I'd like to know more about this as I am acquainted with many happy people who don't belong to faith-based communities. I have become involved in a Unitarian Fellowship - for the fellowship, the support of like-minded people, not the faith. Definitely would like to know more about this research.
- Create a Sunny Sanctuary - ah yes, I have done this with greater success than in any other home I've lived in and I know it has made a huge difference in my morale. We've just completed the creation of an art niche where I indulge in a new passion, graphite drawing. It is filled with supplies, inspiration, mementoes...love it. Makes me smile just thinking about it - created it, bright, a sanctuary.
- Gain Peace with a Pooch - a study published in 2011 shows "that pets foster self-esteem, calmness, soothing and a feeling of acceptance." We don't have pets now because we prefer the freedom and mobility we have without them, but I have noticed how much satisfaction John gets from feeding a family of feral cats that have adopted us, as well as the colony of birds we keep alive over the winter. And he always has to reason with me whenever I see a Schnauzer.
- Ignite Your Passion for Compassion - one body of research shows that "altruism stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain as sugar and cocaine do." And giving money away rather than spending it on self seems to bring greater happiness. I would add that for me, at least, I am gaining more satisfaction by becoming more involved in a cause or concern than by only giving financial support. That's definitely easier to do now that I'm retired, but I have known many people to have been involved while holding down jobs and caring for families. They probably don't watch more than one hour of tv a day.
"Question: How contrive not to waste one's time?
Answer: By being fully aware of it all the while." ~ Albert Camus
I came across this quote last week while searching for quotes about time to kick start some journaling. Why time? Because I got tired of hearing myself asking, "Where has the time gone?". And I seem to be asking that question a lot lately.
There's been the obvious events that's got me thinking about the passage of time - an impending birthday, seeing friends we haven't seen in over 10 years (10 years!), underestimating a nephew's age, looking in the mirror and seeing my mother's face looking back at me. But it's been the small, daily reminders that have been niggling at me - the arrival of a new edition of a magazine when I haven't read last month's yet, tearing off another page from the calendar, hearing that someone younger than I am has passed away, or simply noticing it's later than I thought on going to bed while having accomplished only half of what I had intended.
So I've begun to pay greater attention to how I spend this valuable resource called time. And it is not easy! Some things I already know - that I am easily distracted, that I spend more time on the enjoyable pastimes, and far less on something that I dislike (think cleaning toilets!) and that I lose track of time when talking with someone I love. But I am also learning some new tricks for this old dog - that by simply paying attention, by being more aware I have more control of the distractions. That my father was right - it is easier to avoid temptations than resist them. That, perhaps, time means something totally different in your 70's than in your 30's anyway! And, perhaps, the most valuable AHA - that in any transition, one of the greatest challenges is to learn new ways to spend time.
I wonder, can anyone really be aware of time "all the while"? For now, however, I'm just trying to be more attentive.
After several years of setting goals over the holidays, using several (often laborious)approaches, I almost decided to forego the process this year. After all, I'm retired now. Why drive myself? The main goal for the year - enjoy life! Then I stumbled upon two questions raised by Patti Digh, author of life is a verb. Digh doesn't write goals, but uses questions like these to guide her during the year. The questions:
What do I want to create this year?
What am I ready to release this year?
Now, I love chewing on a good question. Love the sense of clarity that can emerge, the new possiblity that presents itself, the visceral satisfaction of discovering a powerful answer when most needed. So, I've been playing with these questions for a few weeks now, just considering, listing ideas as possibilities. Adding to the lists. Some of my ideas:
What do I want to create?
- an art studio
- an organized garage
- mini-scrapbooks of cherished memories
- new memories, especially
- a cruise to Alaska to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary
- greater self-discipline - read "healthier habits"
- etc., etc.
What am I ready to release?
- clothes I don't wear
- boxes we've moved for the past 10 years without opening
- my tendency to worry
- ten lbs. - the same ten lbs. I've said I'd lose for the past 10 years!!
- habits that don't serve me well
- etc., etc.
In the process of creating these lists, three things have happened. First, I've shifted from thinking about what I should do this year to what I genuinely want to do... a seismic shift in itself. Second, I've already acted on a few ideas - the cruise is booked, the "studio" is underway, we've been working in the garage and...I've tossed out boxes of old journals! All within 3 weeks! And third, because these questions have been so helpful, I'm playing with a few of my own:
- What do I want to learn this year?
- What do I want to attempt?
- What do I want to finish?
- What do I want to celebrate?
Finally, in the process of creating these lists, I have also created some goals for 2013...after all these years, some habits do persist. But this year, using these questions to guide my thinking, the process has been fascinating, easy and even enjoyable. Thank you, Patti!
It has been an interesting day - not what I had expected. Not a typical New Year's Day. In fact, I thought we'd be celebrating somewhere else, even had made the plans to do so. But John has picked up a virus and I'm still hobbling a bit from the fall I took just before Thanksgiving. We did manage to watch the Rose Bowl Parade together and were, as usual, awed by the color and the creativity, moved by a touching reunion of a young military family, impressed by the precision of the marching bands. Then he disappeared into football games and I retreated to catch an old favorite, "Sleepless in Seattle." A quiet day. A tranquil day, virus included, hobbling included.
After this past year, a trying year of endless campaigning, dysfunctional bipartisanship, natural disaster upon natural disaster, murder and mayhem, the loss of a family member - a quiet day, a day to just relax, to smile, and be reminded that people can come together safely and joyfully is a good day.
Our holidays have, in fact, been a series of quiet days. Reflective days. Still affected by the tragedy in Newtown and our personal loss, and frustrated by the fiasco in Washington, our relationship, our home, and our community have become increasingly the focus of our attention. Are we unusual, I wonder. Is this the silver lining in the pervasive thunder clouds of 2012? That we can become more conscious of what's important to us. That we can focus on nurturing and enjoying it. That we can choose to focus our efforts on what we can impact. That we can reject the fear and anger, the blame and insanity. That we can hold the possibility that 2013 will be a better year, a healthier and happier year.
Maybe it's because I know Newtown, having spent several lovely days among this lovely community. Maybe it's because the first school I administered was a primary school, K - 3. Maybe it's because I am already grieving a personal loss, but I have been glued to CNN to watch the coverage of this latest tragedy. Feeling oddly reminiscent, too reminiscent, of the assassinations of the 60's, 9-ll, Oklahoma City, Columbine. Tragedies heaped upon the innocent. Alternately raging, sobbing, applauding the courage of reporters who have challenged some of the inanity they were hearing, grateful for the respect they are showing the community, in awe of the dignity and compassion expressed by family members of victims, and despairing that this has happened yet again.
Above all, wondering whether this time we will have the courage and the resolve to address the underlying, systemic problems that contribute to this madness. Granted, no one is asking me for my ideas. Granted, I have my own biases. But I have some questions I wish would be raised by someone of influence and authority. I have some questions that could lead to different kinds of discussion than whether or not we should be arming our teachers!
- What kind of society do we want to live in? A violent, armed, fearful society?
- What can we learn from other countries who are not as violent as we are? Like Japan.
- What have we already learned from previous tragedies that could help us identify potential dangers?
- How much more information do we need anyway?
- How do we support our "leaders" (perhaps demand?!) to get beyond their own interests to work together, to get beyond their bi-partisanship? How do we become more responsible followers who are willing to sacrifice some of our own interests?
- What can Newtown teach us all about becoming caring, supportive, responsible communities?
- When do the needs of the whole trump the needs of the individual?
- What can we do as individuals to impact the quality of our society as a whole? Simply labeling us as a violent society or describing what we are seeing as "reality" that must be accepted serves only to make us more fearful, more frustrated, more isolated.
- How can we encourage, develop the critical thinking skills and the communications skills we so desperately need in order to address these larger issues together rather than against one another?
- How can we use social networking venues to promote responsible, thoughtful action...not knee-jerk, reactionary, simplistic actions that produce more (sometimes greater) problems!?!?
- How can we defend controlling cars more than we do guns?!
- Where are the systems thinkers that could help move a national discourse to consider the scope of the disease - right now it seems that we are arguing over the size of the bandage to put over the tumor!
- When do we take a stand...and mean it?
My brother-in-law died yesterday. Because we have lived a continent apart, we were in each other's company for perhaps only 3 weeks out of the 30 years I have known him. But my sense of loss this morning is great.
You see, Gary was one of the good guys, a genuine nice guy. He had a gentle Jimmy Stewart disposition. Worked hard all his life. Took pleasure in simple things. Always played the hand he was dealt with grace and equanimity.
He adored his wife of 43 years, his children and grandchildren. It was this love that fueled his arduous fight with lung cancer this past year, enduring months of treatment with his usual upbeat, glass half-full optimism. Never complained.
He was loyal and honest, a steadfast man, accepting of everybody, tolerant of foibles that would have irritated a saint. Even when he didn't like someone, he expressed his opinions without rancor or disdain, simply as his opinion. Never nasty, never demeaning.
This world could use more good guys. I will miss this very decent man.
